Blog Archives

ICORP Investigations Involved With Private Investigator Show

Radical Media

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ICORP Investigations Vice President, Steven Santarpia, contributed to a show regarding private investigators. Radical Media will be producing the show and it will be featured on a YouTube channel. “We feel fortunate to be involved in this project with Radical Media. They have produced so many amazing projects to date. Since I’m familiar  and a fan of  many of the projects they’ve produced, it was a no-brainer when they asked if they could interview me.”

The show will air in the next couple of weeks. More details to come regarding this show.

For more on Radical Media, please visit their website.

Ask an Expert: All About Private Investigation

I just want to thank Lifehacker for inviting me to their Ask an Expert Q & A regarding private investigators. I also want to thank the people who participated in the chat session. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

To read the transcript of the chat session, please head to Lifehacker

 
Regards,

Steven Santarpia

Do You Want to Stay in Love? Then Examine Your Default Position When You Fight

Conflicts should lead to successful resolutions.
Published on August 26, 2012 by Randi Gunther, Ph.D. in Rediscovering Love

Every couple argues, and every argument affects their intimacy as well as the emotional distance between them. Some disagreements leave only minimal or temporary scars that fade with time. The couple’s love continues to deepen, seemingly undamaged. Unfortunately, escalating or stinging arguments can leave deep and lasting fissures that damage relationships.

Many areas of conflict can determine the fate of a relationship, but the most crucial one is each partner’s underlying attitude is towards the other. Whether unconscious or intended, that core set of thoughts is often deeply embedded, pervasive, and negatively biased. As the argument heats up, one or both of the partners will fall back into this default position, dooming any hope of successful resolution.

Default positions are most likely to intensify in established relationships. The longer people have been together, the more they are likely to repeat established patterns. These ritualistic interactions usually emerge slowly in intimate relationship but can explode early on if any differences are pronounced and passionate.  Because they are often intertwined with positive aspects, they can often stay invisible too long, causing much greater problems down the line. They are also deeply defended against rational inquiry, and can be notably resistant to change.

When these internal, fixed attitudes are not identified and corrected, the partners in an intimate relationship do not realize how much power they have to affect their disputes. They do know that most of their arguments leave them drowning in whirlpools of confusion, often not remembering what they were arguing about, or why their resolutions didn’t hold.

Negative default positions are often relationship destroyers. No matter how much a more typical relationship partner loves and values another, he or she will not be able to survive continuous onslaughts of negative default positions. It is the classic “I can’t win for losing” conundrum.

Anytime either partner comes from a core experience of a basic negative attitude towards the other, all disagreements will eventually be twisted into a one-sided criticism that defies reality. Those pre-determined expressions of invalidation will doom the targeted partner to a life of defending his or her basic worth. Unless martyrdom is the goal, that person will eventually leave the relationship.

If you can identify your own fixed, negative default positions, you can replace them with a far more successful set of skills that can turn frustrating, repetitive conflicts into positive resolutions. When you have mastered that new process, you can create a deeper intimacy through embracing each other’s differences and opening up to the possibilities of deeper intimacy.

Examples of Negative Default Positions

Wipe-Outs

Wipe-outs are verbal invalidations that erase a partner’s estimated value in the moment. The partner using a wipe-out will use any interaction to exaggerate faults and minimize any positive contribution. Any attempts by the target of a wipe-out to rectify a misunderstanding, make-up for a mistake, or just to create a quality interaction, are met with challenges. These continuously criticized partners live in the tragedy gap of never feeling “good enough.”

Negative Default Position:

She’s such a loser. I wonder what excuse she’ll use this time.

She: “Hi honey. Dinner is going to be a little late. I got stuck in the market talking to our next door neighbor and lost track of time. How are you?”

He: “What do you mean, how am I? What’s that, your attempt to cover up breaking the deal again? I might as well never believe anything you tell me because you can’t keep your word. Why do I ever expect you’re going to do what you say?

She: “Hey, you’re being really mean. Let up. It’s no big deal, 15 minutes. Why are you so angry?”

He: “Don’t lay this on me just to get out of it. Just because it’s a small example doesn’t mean you get to minimize it. Don’t bother. I’m going out to get a hamburger.”

Over-Controllers

Some relationship partners are so concerned with being controlled that they won’t let their partners have the final say in anything. They will argue, invalidate, or dismiss any comment that might put them in the one-down position, even if their partners are correct. Their core feeling is that their partners will dominate them if they are not kept in their places. Because of their fear of being less-than, they don’t allow in any information that might change their minds.

Negative Default position:

He would run my whole life if I allow him to.

He: “I just saw Tim and Jean at the park and they want us to join them later for a BBQ? I told them we were free tonight. How about it, sweetheart? It’s a beautiful night and we haven’t been out all week. Might warm us up a little.”

She: “You always spring these things on me. I already have something I have to do tonight. Tell them thanks but maybe some other time.”

He: “You told me this morning that you were looking forward to the weekend because you didn’t have any obligations. You didn’t tell me you already had something you had to do.”

She: “Just because I told you I didn’t have any obligations doesn’t mean I wanted you to find one for me.”

He: “But you told me that you like this couple and wished we could spend more time with them. I don’t understand.”

She: “Just don’t make plans for me without asking first, okay? I’m not some kind of plug-in partner whenever you want to do something.”

Dyed-in-the-Wool Pessimists

Unfortunately, there are intimate partners who are so afraid that their desires will be thwarted that they imagine the worst possible outcome and pre-defeat their needs. Any partner behavior that smacks of a potentially positive outcome will be met with a rapid invalidation. They would rather live an unfulfilled life than risk disappointment or disillusionment. They usually attract positive people who want to save them from their continuous expectations of doom. Those locked-in expectations of loss can defeat even the most ardent of rescuers.

Default position:

Nothing ever works out for the better, so why even try?

She: “Hi, honey. I’ve got great news. I got the promotion and the raise. We can finally plan that great vacation we’ve always wanted.”

He: “Does that mean you’ll have to work longer hours. You’re never home as it is.”

She: “Well, probably for a while. But why are you focusing on that? This is the opportunity of my life to finally make it and you were all for it. What’s the problem?”

He: “I’m not trying to spoil your deal. I just know that things don’t come for free and we’ll have to make sacrifices. I don’t want to count on something without knowing what it’ll cost. And it always does, you have to admit. So we get to go on a great vacation. They’ll take it out on you some way, and we’ll be the losers.”

Successful Default Positions

It is not possible for couples to eliminate all default positions. Everyone needs a confident and secure platform to fall back on when they are in a conflict situation. If relationship partners understand each other’s core attitudes and evaluations, they know what to expect in a disagreement. Until those core evaluations are clearly seen and changed when necessary, the couple will drown in repeated disagreements and are doomed to repeat them.

For positive conflict resolution, both partners must be willing to re-evaluate their default positions on a regular basis. They must strike a balance between validating each other’s positions while being while simultaneously being realistic about their differences. When couples are willing to openly communicate their core default positions to one another, they can evaluate together whether they are relationship supportive or destructive.

If a couple understands the danger of extreme negative default positions, they can begin making them more realistic. They must also reevaluate what they truly feel inside as a disagreement begins.  Negative extreme positions highly correlate with eye-rolling, extreme doubt, and words of invalidation or defense. They are impervious to new data. It is similar to a courtroom situation where the gavel has come down and no new discovery is allowed.

Successful default positions have several things in common:

They are objective

They are flexible

They search for old negative patterns that hurt the relationship

Both partners are eager to rid themselves of any locked-in prejudices that can keep them from learning more about each other. They are interested and intrigued by where their fixed biases were formed, and why they have continued to use them.

Examples of Successful Default Positions

Objectivity

Most partners get into trouble when they argue because each loses perspective and holds more tightly to their own reality. As the disagreement takes on energy and fear of loss, they are more likely to fall prey to an old pattern that erases any reality but their own.

Intimate partners, as they strive to be deeply heard and validated by the other, can feel the negative energy begin to destroy that possibility, and stop it before it takes hold.

Successful default position:

You are important to me. Your way of looking at any situation matters to me. I never want to win at your expense or erase what you are feeling and thinking. Our best solution to any argument is a new truth forged out of mutual respect for each of our positions.

He: “I just don’t like that restaurant. The food tastes old, the waiters are rude, and the prices are too high. Don’t ask me to go there again.”

She: “I think you’re being really rigid about this. We’ve had good times there before. You’ve even recommended it to our friends. Why should one bad night make you want to cross them off our list forever?”

He: (heating up) “You’re not listening to me. I had a lousy time tonight. Why can’t you just accept that I’m angry and stop trying to change my mind?”

She: (Realizing they are losing objectivity) “Hold on, sweetheart. I think we’re sliding. My default position in the past was to make everything nice and yours has been to not get ripped off. We need to listen to each other. The food was bad tonight and I shouldn’t be making excuses for it.”

He: (relaxing) “And I shouldn’t be so goddamn opinionated. I had a day filled with stupid, rude people and I’m way overreacting. Sorry, babe. Let’s call the manager and tell him how we felt about it. He’s a great guy.”

Flexibility

When couples begin to differ, they often become rigid in their positions. As the argument heats up, that rigidity has to wipe out any other data in order to survive. What could have been an opening for seeing the world from more than one perspective quickly becomes a top-down need to win. As each partner stiffens, the other pushes back, mocks a giving-in, or disconnects. Both seem to fear that one opinion will stand at the expense of the other.

With the loss of flexibility, both partners are likely to forget that they can damage their intimacy if either of them is sacrificed. Childhood patterns of submission or rebellion increase, and maturity diminishes.

Successful default position:

I trust you. I know that you want me to feel heard and validated. Even if we are disagreeing in the moment, I know we will find a way to stay open to each other’s way of thinking. I need to stay flexible and not jump to conclusions because staying close is better.

She: “I am really upset about the way you treated my mom today. She didn’t do anything to hurt you and you were so rude. She left upset and now I’m going to have to fix it. I want you to call her and apologize. At least tell her you were just in a bad mood and didn’t mean it. And you need to do it tonight so I can get some sleep.”

He: (surprised and rebellious) “Your mom is the most overly sensitive person I’ve ever known. I didn’t do anything that bad. She loves being a martyr and sets me up. Why aren’t you calling her and telling her that she overreacted to me? Why is it always my fault? You cater to her.”

She: (getting angrier and more rigid) “There you go again, making it someone else’s problem. Why don’t you ever own up to your contribution when things go wrong? My mom tried to be nice even after you were so critical. I’m not backing down here. You were wrong and you need to admit it.”

He: (realizing that they were slipping into negative default positions) “This isn’t good. We’re both hardening and making the other person the bad guy. I know you want everyone to be okay and I love that about you. It’s just hard when you want me to be the fall guy and I know that your mom isn’t helping.”

She: (taking a breath and listening) “You’re right. I do always defend her and that ends up making the problem between us. It shouldn’t be that way. I guess I trust you to do the right thing more than I trust her and it’s hard for me to listen to her complain about you. That’s not fair to you. I need your help to figure out a better way to handle this.”

What Are Your Default Positions?

Here are some questions that will help you identify and change your automatic default positions if they are turning your conflicts into disconnects and destroying the love between you.

When you and your partner begin to argue, what emotions and thoughts are behind your words?

As a conflict between you heats up, what facial expressions would you see if you were to look into a mirror?

Once you are locked into an argument, what do you believe your partner is thinking about you?

When you are arguing with your partner, do you remind yourself of people from your past that modeled that behavior?

Which of your default positions bring you closer or turn you farther away from your partner?

Once you are backed into a corner, can you alter your position?

Have you practiced the same default position in other close relationships?

Does your default position in your relationship truly reflect the way you feel about your partner?

It is a very helpful starting point for positive change if you and your partner honestly answer these questions and then share your answers. Come out from behind any negative default positions. Encourage each other to integrate what you consistently feel inside with how you present yourself in a conflict interaction. That process may uncover deeper heartaches between you at first, but you will become closer over time. Ignoring them will cause much more damage in the long run. What you can see, you can change.

Psychology Today

Private Investigators New York – Surveillance Specialists

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Private Investigators in NY specializing in surveillance investigations. Investigations include cheating spouse/infidelity, family law and insurance investigations. All surveillance video shot in crystal clear High Definition video. Also, our clients can view their surveillance video the very next day from our case management system. With so much riding on your investigation, why settle for anything less. Find out why we are an leader in the private investigation industry.

ICORP Investigations is licensed in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Colorado, Maryland and Florida.

Please visit our NYC Website. 

The Moment I Knew: Readers Share Their Divorce Stories

Ashley Reich

Was there a moment you knew your marriage was over? The split-second you saw the writing on the wall–even if you didn’t acknowledge as much until later? We put the question to the Twitter-verse (hashtag:#themomentiknew), and collected our favorite responses below (and the most surprising–who knew bacon could figure in the demise of a lifelong union?)

Add your own favorites to the list by taking a screenshot and clicking the “Add a Slide” button.

Continue Reading Huffington Post

Dealing With The Paparazzi

The news is out — you’re getting a divorce. For many couples, breaking the news to friends and family is the toughest part of the process. How you go about it sets the stage for the future. Welcome your parents’ and well-meaning friends’ support, but stand firm. They should respect your privacy and not pry. Understand, however, that once the news is out, your divorce is in the public domain.

So what are you going to say when you get all those phone calls and emails?

Here are a few suggestions:

    • Script your responses to the obvious questions. Stick to the party line, and make sure your parents, kids, colleagues, etc. are on the same page in terms of what you want them to say.
    • Don’t make headlines by dumping on the in-law(s). You will do more damage than good by stoning his or her whole bloodline.
    • Think about your kids when you spread the news. Think about them again and again and again, and put yourself in their place.
    • Forget about private confidences. There is no such thing as “keep it under your hat.” Hats blow off in the wind.
    • Return phone calls when you aren’t angry or tired and likely to ramble.
    • Avoid daily updates.
    • Practice switch-hit topics. Have a ready list — the movie you saw, your vacation plans, your uncle’s hernia operation.
    • Practice deep breathing for those who want the itty-bitty details. There’s nothing like a long pause to get the point across. “I really don’t want to discuss this any further.”
    • Distract yourself. My aunt has a great technique. If you have to talk to someone who is going to get your goat, keep a coloring book handy and focus on staying within the lines.

Can’t keep from exploding or perseverating? Sit down and write (in long-hand) every nasty thought you ever had about the ex. Read the letter out loud (to yourself) and then put it in the safe deposit box for good.

Job Posting – Insurance Field Investigator (Maryland)

Part Time Surveillance Insurance Claims Investigator (With the possibility to work Full Time in the future.)

Duties: Video surveillance and report writing

Must own a vehicle with tinted windows, computer and high-definition camcorder.Candidate should have a clean record and no criminal history.Candidates should have a minimum of 2 years experience as a field investigator or college degree in Criminal Justice.

Candidate should have excellent report writing skills.

We cover all of Maryland. Investigators must be willing to travel.

Please submit cover letter and resume.

ICORP Investigations 

Job Posting – P/T Field Investigator (NY & NJ Area)

Part Time Surveillance Insurance Claims Investigator (With the possibility to work Full Time in the future.)

Duties: Video surveillance and report writing

Must own a vehicle with tinted windows, computer and high-definition camcorder.Candidate should have a clean record and no criminal history.Candidates should have a minimum of 2 years experience as a field investigator or college degree in Criminal Justice.

Candidate should have excellent report writing skills.

We cover all of New York and New Jersey. Investigators must be willing to travel.

Please submit cover letter and resume.

ICORP Investigations Website 

Having a Sane Vacation When There is Trouble in Paradise

Co-founders, Divorce Detox™

When a marriage is on the verge of divorce, there is an early stage in the process where change is imminent, but normalcy needs to be maintained for the children. Children depend on structure, ritual and consistency, so parents must keep the family ball rolling even in the face of the despair and confusion they may be experiencing.

Sitting through family dinners with gritted teeth, putting on a happy face for friends and family, and biting their tongues in front of the kids are just a few of the ways couples keep up the marital façade. Parents go to these lengths partly because normalcy is a distraction from the uncertainty that comes with separation, and partly because routine is often the only glue holding a fragile situation together. This is not an easy life to live, and it becomes even more challenging when these tactics have to be maintained through a family vacation.

If a vacation has been planned prior to the split, canceling may be an option. However, the commitment to going often far outweighs the discomfort that comes with vacationing within the confines of an expired marriage. In addition, the financial cost of canceling can be perceived as being much higher than the emotional cost of going. If you are one of the many couples facing an untimely family vacation, don’t worry. There are many ways to make the best of an imperfect vacation situation.

Here are some tips to have a good family vacation when there is trouble in paradise:

Plan ahead

While spontaneous vacations are fun and adventurous, they can even create conflict amongst couples who are discord-free. Knowing how things will unfold and planning things out in advance will help you avoid any unpredictable pitfalls. Decide ahead of time who will be in charge of what. For example, if the trip is to a city where you will be exploring, pick days where each parent will be the tour guide. Fighting over directions or getting lost can easily push hot buttons that create unnecessary conflict. Planning the days out with schedules and specific spots to visit or eat will eliminate standing on a street corner in a state of indecision and agitation. Get on the same page before the trip even starts.

Leave issues behind
If you are someone who holds a grudge, this would be a good time to let things go for a bit. Bringing marital baggage on the trip will weigh everyone down. There are inevitably going to be things that bug each of you throughout your vacation. Remember that you can convey how you feel with a look as much as your voice, so be mindful of rolling eyes, or glaring stares. Setting an intention before you leave for your trip about how you will maintain a sense of peace for the family would be a good idea. Double beds in the room can do wonders.

Set expectations
Many families have very unrealistic expectations of family vacations in general. This leaves everyone vulnerable to disappointment when things don’t go the way everyone imagined. When a marriage is rocky or even over, expectations need to be even more realistic. For example, expecting to spend tons of quality time as a family might not be possible this time around. It’s also unrealistic to expect all of your problems to disappear the minute you arrive at your destination. Let things unfold and find an organic rhythm. Be open to accepting whatever the vacation looks like or turns out to be. Overly high expectations are a sure fire way to feel chronically disappointed.

Use the kids as a buffer
Most couples do this anyway, but your kids can really ease a tense dynamic. We are not implying that your child be used as a pawn, but children can be a good distraction from having to be intimate or spending too much time one on one. Don’t be afraid to tag team with each parent taking one kid, or taking turns getting some alone time while one parent fills in. Children are pretty perceptive so if you are having trouble being pleasant or even civil with your partner around, it might be best to spend time with the kids on your own.

Keep the conversation light
Bringing up heavy issues, or trying to talk things through while on vacation can be complicated. There is nowhere to go if someone wants to walk out and raised voices are not usually welcome in hotels or public places. It’s better not to risk a blow up, so conversations should remain topical and fairly superficial. If issues come up, and they will, write them down. You can even journal about your feelings. It’s not about pretending nothing bothers you, the idea is to tuck it away temporarily. It doesn’t have to be unrealistic or inauthentic. You can commit to simply being aware of your actions, behaviors and moods so you aren’t unconsciously punishing each other without realizing it. If things don’t shift for the better on the trip, you will have plenty of opportunity to revisit any unresolved issues when you return. Think of your vacation as a big time out.

Take space for yourself
Taking time to oneself is important on any vacation. Couples, especially divorcing ones, often feel that they need to be together 24-7 on vacation “for the kids”, but you each deserve to have some rejuvenation time on your own. Everyone needs some self-nurturing and personal space, particularly when going through a challenging time. Doing this will make many things on the trip more tolerable, and will increase your patience for the inevitable stress that comes with family traveling.

Contemplate and self-reflect
Traveling inevitably shifts perspectives and changes perceptions. Getting out of your daily routine and environment provides a great opportunity to see things more clearly. Use your travel experience as a springboard for enlightenment. This might even be a time to start brainstorming about your future, but keep it light and positive. Avoid focusing or ruminating on “all that you have to do” when you get back.

What are your own tips for traveling when there is trouble in paradise?

Huffington Post

Job Posting – Insurance Claims Investigator for New Jersey

Private Investigators

Part Time Surveillance Insurance Claims Investigator  (With the possibility to work Full Time in the future.)

Must own a vehicle, computer and high-definition camcorder.

Candidate should have a clean record.

Candidates should have a minimum of 2 years experience as a field investigator.

Candidate should have excellent report writing skills.

Starting salary $18.00 an hour plus miles

Please send your resume to pi@icorpinvestigations.com. For more information, please visit our website ICORP Investigations

%d bloggers like this: